Answers

It’s cool that you are totally okay with it - sex is about more than just the climax and it can be pleasurable with or without orgasm. If you have communicated this to your partner and have let him know that you are still having a great time, I think that is a great place to start. The beauty about being each other’s first partners is that there is the space to explore and learn together! You do not have to be experts right off the bat. There can be a lot of pressure to “get it right” right away, but my biggest piece of advice to your partner would be to be curious and not as goal-oriented during your sexual encounters - to try new things, explore your body consensually, and notice what you seem to enjoy the most. On your end, you can communicate as much as you are comfortable with what feels good and what doesn’t - saying things like “oh yeah, right there” or “a little to the left” or “slower/faster” or moving their head/fingers a bit. You can also show him how you like to pleasure yourself if that is something exciting and comfortable for you!

It is also important to remember that people with vulvas don’t often climax from just penetrative sex and often need clitoral stimulation. This may or may not be true for you, but he may need to add in more external stimulation. I hope that helps! I have total faith that you can get there together because it seems that you both care about each other’s pleasure and emotional well-being.

I do not have a background in medicine, so perhaps this would be something you would like to cross reference with a doctor you would feel comfortable talking to about this, but from my sexual health background, anal sex with hemorrhoids is not something to worry about unless they are in a symptomatic phase (ie. you are feeling pain from them or they are bleeding). Honestly, one of the biggest barriers to sex with hemorrhoids is people feeling self-conscious about them and how they look, but they are very very common and typically harmless!

My advice is to always use lube to reduce friction when engaging in anal sex and to take a brief break from receiving if your hemorrhoids are in a flare up stage.

Oh my gosh there are so many potential benefits to using sex toys! They can help you orgasm, feel new sensations you have not felt before, they can help you try out new things, stimulate hard to reach places, try out new roles in your sex life, role play with different anatomy/gender identities, they can help increase your sexual self confidence, and help you advocate for what you like because you get to know your body better through using them. Not everyone has to use sex toys, some people do not like to and that is totally okay! However, they can be great tools for pleasure and exploration and there is such a wide variety of sex toys out there to play around with - there can be something for everyone.

Awe! How did you learn that? I hope your partner didn’t tell you you’re terrible? I am sure you are not terrible and it won’t help if that is in your head when you are on top!

My advice would be to do what you can to get out of your head and into your body more before hopping on top next time - let go of the stories in your head saying you are not good at it and move in ways that feel good in your body. Maybe you can close your eyes or turn off the lights to be able to just feel and not think. Maybe you can put on some music that makes you feel sexy and be on top while you are listening to it. Sometimes a small adjustment can make a position a bit more comfortable and accessible - like getting your partner to sit up rather than having him laying down or adding a pillow or squatting with your feet on the bed rather than your knees. You could also try getting really turned on and almost at your peak before being on top, perhaps if you are at that stage you would be more out of your head and would just be moving in ways that feel good in your body! Your partner could also stimulate your nipples or clitoris while you are on top which could potentially help you lean more into the position. You could also practice on your own with a dildo with a suction cup on the floor in front of a mirror. You could also ask your partner what feels good to him when you are on top and build from there. Ultimately, if you are not comfortable being on top you do not have to be, but you are not terrible so please do not think you are!Item description

Do you mean exposure therapy in the sense that you or a partner is fearful to try this but you would like to engage in this fantasy eventually and need exposure therapy to gradually warm you up to it? Or are you asking if hiring someone is a good way to lightly try this out? Either way, I do think hiring someone to play out fantasies with you is a great idea! I do not know of anyone in Edmonton who specifically does this, but I would suggest contacting a sex worker and letting them know what you are looking to explore, set your boundaries together and go from there! I hope that helps. Or perhaps a sexual partner would be interested in exploring this fantasy with you? Have fun!

Yes, most people with vulvas require clitoral stimulation to climax. This is really helpful to know because it reminds us that how society typically defines sex (penis-in-vagina penetration), won’t get everyone with a vulva to the finish line and that broadening our understanding of what sex is can help us all experience more pleasure.

The clitoris, most commonly understood to be just the little part that sticks out at the top of the vulva, actually has an internal component as well. Most people with vulvas require more direct clitoral stimulation of the external part of the clitoris to reach orgasm. Researchers now think that some women and people with vulvas who can orgasm from penetration alone are actually still orgasming from clitoral stimulation, but rather stimulation of the internal portion of the clitoris. People can orgasm from many different types of contact - nipple stimulation, cervix contact, even just from thinking about sex and getting really turned on!

Short answer: Yes, most women and people with vulvas require clitoral stimulation to climax.

Longer answer: Everyone’s body is different and people can cum from lots of different types of sex and stimulation! Your best bet is to communicate with partners about what they like and explore each other’s bodies with curiosity and consent.

Allow me to preface my response by saying I am not a medical professional and no form of sexual activity is 100% “safe”, but yes, this activity comes with relatively low risk if everyone involved is informed and enthusiastically consenting to the activity.

From my knowledge, the most common risks with this activity would be possible discomfort and possible infection for the person having their vagina urinated-in because the vaginal canal has a relatively acidic pH and doing anything that throws off this balance can potentially cause issues. If the person being urinated in has a typically sensitive vaginal canal and they do find that a lot of lubricants and condoms, etc., irritate them, I would proceed with caution assuming that the chances they find this activity uncomfortable a bit higher. Some people will be more sensitive to this than others, so judge your risk by your own body and situation!

From my understanding, the risks of trying this anally would be lower than vaginally.

My main advice would be to drink a lot of water prior to this activity and to try it in the shower or lay down water-proof blankets or pee pads! Regardless if you are trying this vaginally or anally, it will come back out and there will be a bit of a mess.

Assess your own personal risk, go slow, and have so much fun!

In theory, if neither partner has engaged in any form of sexual activity prior, no, you cannot get or give an STI. There are only a couple ways in which an STI could be transmitted in this scenario:

1. If you and your partner define sexual contact and virginity in different ways. For example, most people define sex as intercourse, but do you and your partner have the same beliefs on what constitutes sexual activity? If you are not on the same page about this, there could be the potential for some miscommunication! My advice would be to chat about what it means to you to have not had any previous sexual partners. If you are on the same page, chances of STI transmission will be very low.

2. It is unlikely, but some STIs can be transmitted non-sexually (through saliva and kissing for example) which could then be transferred during oral sex.

In the scenario you are describing, the chances of STI transmission are very low! But there are some things you can do to lower the risk even further. You can both get tested for peace of mind, and you can utilize barrier protection methods, such as condoms for penetrative sex and dental dams for oral sex.

In the unlikely circumstance that you transmit or contract an STI in your described situation, there are many forms of effective care, management, and treatment out there!

Hey, good question! Elastomer is a material that gets caught up in the nuance of the conversation of sex toy safety.

Elastomer is porous and it is not a good fit for toys that will be inserted for use. This is because bodily fluids, lube, and bacteria can get trapped in them (they cannot be fully washed off or out) and then if you are inserting this toy in your body again, this bacteria will still be there and it can be transferred to sensitive internal bits.

You are asking more specifically about Tenga eggs, which is an external toy. While not the most perfect material, elastomer is okay for this use because there are fewer safety concerns because you are not putting this toy in your body. There will be less bacteria transferred to the toy, and less risk of bacteria being transferred to sensitive, absorbent bits of your body with a stroker compared to a dildo.

With that being said, there are a lot of strokers being made out of silicone now too, which is a non-porous material! Elastomer (and other slightly porous materials) are still used for strokers because it is a cheaper material to manufacture, the risk of any infections due to bacteria retention and transfer is way way way lower than it is for a dildo, and because it is a soft and squishy material - perfect for penis masturbation sleeves.

These toys will have a shorter lifespan than silicone toys - they will absorb bacteria from your hand, from your environment, from lube, etc. Definitely still wash them before and after each use (and if they get sticky after a bit, dust them in cornstarch - it instantly renews them) and consider getting a new one when it looks a bit dirty or when the material doesn’t feel the same.

Elastomer is an okay material for external toys, just not around sensitive bits like vulvas or anuses. If you are more comfortable using a completely nonporous toy there are a number of great silicone products out there for a similar price.

Hi, thanks for writing in. I absolutely do have recommendations on how to approach wax play safely!

First and foremost, as in all sexual scenarios, practice consent. Chat about it with your partner - is this something you are both interested in? Do you have a safe word? What areas of the body should be avoided when pouring wax? “Even though we chatted about it previously, is tonight a good night?” Etc. :)

From there, there are a couple safety rules to keep in mind when engaging in wax play and you are absolutely right, one of the rules is making sure you have the right candles! The best and most safe candles to use for wax play are specifically designed for it and will explicitly say that. Other candles may melt at high temperatures, burning your skin on contact. Others may have added fragrance that can irritate the skin, and some may be in containers that are not conducive for pouring hot wax out of.

SEXPLETIVE candles have been designed for safe and spicy wax play. They are a mix of local beeswax and organic coconut oil and melt at a temperature that will excite your senses while being gentle on your skin. They also double as just your average candle and can be made in custom colours!

Once you have chatted with your partner and have sourced your candles, set up a safe space. This means, setting up your lit candle away from any draping curtains and on a flat, steady surface, having a glass of water and a damp cloth nearby, and perhaps placing a towel down to protect your surface from hot wax.

I always recommend that all engaging parties test out the temperature of the wax before playing. Light your candle and pour some on your arm. Whether you will be pouring or are having the hot wax poured on your, this can give you good insight.

After you light your candle and before you blow it out, allow it to build up a good wax pool. Depending on the size of the candle, this could take up to an hour. For SEXPLETIVE’s spiral taper candles, this will take about 15-20 minutes. https://www.sexpletive.ca/shop/p/wax-play-candles

Once a good wax pool is built up, blow out your candle and you are good to go!

Tip #1: the higher you hold the candle away from your bottom’s body, the more time the wax will have to cool in the air before hitting their skin. Check-in and adjust according to their preference.

When pouring hot wax, avoid especially hairy spots for pain-free removal and the face and genitals. Some experienced wax play users enjoy the hot wax on their genitals, but please practice with care.

Tip #2: It can be really fun and sexy to make patterns with the wax, mix wax colors on your beautiful canvas, or to extremely slowly build up anticipation drip by drip.

Removing the wax after play is easier with SEXPLETIVE candles than with other candles because of the coconut oil :) You can even rub the wax into your skin if you so desire or remove it with a credit card or butter knife.

Tip #3: some people like to mix the hot sensation with cold sensations. Try running an ice cube over the spots you poured wax on.

Aftercare is always important, but especially after playing like this! Check-in with each other. You or your partner may want to debrief, cuddle, eat chocolate, whatever. Make time to unwind after wax play.

Please let me know if you have any other questions!

Best wishes,

Erica

Hey, thank you for your question - I have not previously thought of this from the viewpoint you are expressing, but it makes complete sense how that message could feel de-motivating as someone with a penis.

As a cis woman, I perceive the message of “not all people with vulvas orgasm from vaginal sex alone” to be one that encourages the people who are pleasuring people with vulvas to consider the clitoris and all the other fun erogenous zones, and to not just focus on penetrative sex.

When I hear this message, I hear permission for exploration and normalization of the concept that the clitoris provides a lot of pleasure for most people with vulvas. This does not mean that women do not like being penetrated (with consent of course!), but rather breaks free from what we see in the media (women cumming from penetrative sex alone in like 30 seconds) when that isn’t realistic for everyone and can make people feel bad about their sexuality it it doesn’t apply to them.

I obviously cannot speak for everyone person with a vulva and a lot of people have experienced penetrative sexual assault and/or have pelvic pain with insertion that can make P-in-V sex unbearable, BUT, I would argue that a lot of people with vulvas really enjoy penetration! They just might like it with a side of clit touching or nipple play (etc etc) as well.

Sometimes communication about sex can feel uncomfortable, but I would recommend chatting with your partner(s) always to ask them how they like to have sex! It isn’t that people do not like vaginal intercourse, but rather would love to have the definition of sex expanded!

Thank you for bringing your perspective to my attention. I honestly think the main message is to not just ONLY engage in P-in-V sex automatically, but to have open conversations about what we like and to have fun exploring our bodies and expanding our definition of sex. Sex can be so so so much more than just penetration. I promise that a lot of people with vulvas will still love having penetrative sex with you, especially if you practice consent, open communication, and want to do things that prioritize your partner(s)’ pleasure!

Asking this question is a really good start too :)

Hello, it depends what you are using coconut oil for, or more specifically, on! It also depends on personal preference and sensitivities.

Most importantly, coconut oil cannot be used with condoms or any other latex-based barrier protection methods, such as dental dams. The oil will break down the latex, little tears will occur, and you will no longer have an effective protective barrier. That is the only instance in which coconut oil is unsafe.

You can use coconut oil with polyisoprene or polyurethane based condoms or dental dams however, and some people prefer these products over latex, because a fair number of people have latex sensitivities! However, I would recommend doing a patch test on these products if you are able to spare a condom for science - just to make sure.

Another instance in which coconut oil is not recommended is when people, typically with vulvas, have sensitivities to it. This will not typically manifest in a reaction like a latex sensitivity does, but will more likely throw off vaginal pH and perhaps initiate a yeast infection. Oil is not the most gentle on the vaginal environment. With that being said, some people with vulvas LOVE coconut oil as a lube and swear by it!

The people who like it, like that it smells nice, feels moisturizing, and can last longer than a water-based lubricant.

At the store I work at, we typically discourage people from using food products as lubricant. Just because something is safe to ingest, does not mean it is safe for sexual purposes! However, coconut oil is one of those ones that gets a pass from me, if you do not pair it with latex and you test it first!

Coconut oil is generally considered safe with silicone sex toys, however I would recommend a water-based or a hybrid over it. There are some experts who think oil will wear your toy down faster.

In general, water-based lube can safely pair with anything! Condoms, body parts, toys. Silicone-based lube is good with condoms and body-parts but NOT silicone toys. Oil is okay with body-parts (test it first if possible), toys, but NOT condoms. Hybrid lube (water-based with a touch of silicone in it) is typically good with all of the above, however, some brands will add too much silicone for it to be safely used with silicone toys.

Hi, thanks for your question. This may be an annoying answer, but I hope you find it normalizing: I cannot say why your sex drive has changed, but I can tell you that it is not uncommon.

It truly is typical for sex drive/desire/interest in sexual activity to ebb and flow over our lifetime, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t frustrating when it changes in a way that we do not want it to. Sex drive can be affected by anything and everything, and I could argue that there is a lot of anything and everything going on in the world right now. I haven’t done official research on this, but anecdotally, you are definitely not alone in feeling like this at this current moment in time. I personally think a lot of “sexual wellness” brands have started marketing libido pills because a lot of people are feeling this way and companies want to profit off a quick fix, but I digress.

While the main point of my response is that your sex drive will flow back again, I do want to address the chance that it won’t. I am not saying this is the situation you are in, but rather mentioning that it is a possibility. This can be a distressing thought, especially if you enjoy your higher sex drive, but a lower sex drive is not a bad thing, it is just framed to be in our society. Many many people find themselves on the asexual spectrum at various points in their life and the only thing troublesome about this sexual identity is how hard it is to unlearn and let go of common narratives about how sexual we all should be. We can talk more about asexuality if you have questions, it’s a big topic.

I just wanted to mention that first before making any promises, but in most scenarios, your sex drive will flow back. And it will likely change again and again over your lifetime!

You could be experiencing this change because of all the stress in the world and being exposed to it constantly through social media. It could be from a change in birth control or a symptom of other medications. This change can be a sign of a hormonal flux or could be due to a new life circumstance you may be finding yourself in.

Low sex drive is not always something that needs to be fixed, there isn’t anything inherently wrong with someone if they are experiencing low desire. However, since this seems like a fairly sudden and concerning change for you, I would recommend visiting a doctor you trust in order to rule out or address potential underlying medical things first. There may not be anything medical going on, but it can be a good idea to check. Hopefully you have a doctor who is comfortable with chatting about the importance of sexual health with you and is willing to look into it!

If you would like to feel more in touch with your sex drive in the meantime, I would recommend setting aside time to just be with yourself. This could look like some solo sexual activity, or it can just be sitting in silence noticing the different thoughts that come into your head and the different sensations in your body. Perhaps you try out a new form of sexually explicit material, like reading a spicy novel or listening to audio porn while you’re out for a walk. Perhaps you try out a new sex toy or an old toy in a new way. Maybe connecting with yourself intimately looks like stretching your body, giving yourself a little massage, or cozying up in a comfy spot.

A lot of “information” in the field of sexuality is just sort of passed along without fact-checking so I cannot promise this is true for everyone, but in my experience as a sex educator and as someone who works at an adult toy store, we often say that more masturbation helps to foster a higher sex drive. Again, this may not be 100% factual, but unless it physically hurts you to self pleasure, it cannot hurt to try! The thought behind this is that the more space you make for pleasure, the more it will be on your mind and the more it will feel like a desire/priority.

These actions, although seemingly small, can help make space for sensuality and sexuality in such a stimulating world. While they may not make your sex drive come pouring back, setting aside the time and being intentional can be a really good step.

I hope it helps to know that you are not alone and that sex drive naturally ebbs and flows for every single person. It can be a really scary change so I am holding space for you!

Hi there, thank you for sharing your vulnerability & feelings with me. First of all, whatever feelings you have towards or about sex are completely valid, it is okay to feel however you feel. Every single one of us has different perceptions about sex which are influenced over our lifetime by what we were taught growing up, the beliefs our friends and family project onto us, the media we consume, and so much more!

On top of all of that, the society we live makes a big deal about sex, we talk about the consequences instead of the benefits, and everything is hypersexualized but trustworthy factual information is hard to find. It is truly no wonder that sex can feel daunting/confusing/scary. It is not your fault and you are not alone in feeling this way!

It is okay if you do not ever want to be intimate with someone, you do not have to be. Each person has different levels of sexual desire and interest. Our society really pushes sex on us and makes us feel like we need to be super sexual beings who are really into sex all the time, but that does not work for a lot of people. If you find yourself in this space for a while, please remember that you are not alone and there is nothing wrong if you do not want to have sex ever.

But based on your question, I am making the assumption that you may want to engage in sexual activity at some point, so we will talk about that too!

Another thing you may be experiencing as a barrier, is how sex is commonly defined. It is often understood to mean intercourse, or penis-in-vagina activity but this is such a small picture of how dynamic and expansive sex can be! Sex means different things to different people. Intimacy and sex can include: holding hands, making out, prolonged eye-contact, oral-genital activity, manual stimulation, playing around with sex toys, cuddling, grinding and so much more. Do any of these activities feel more comfortable as a definition of sex to you? It’s okay if they don’t, but the main point is that sex does not have to look one certain way, and you can engage in it however it best suits you.

Yet another damaging narrative is that sex is only for certain bodies that look a certain way. This is also not true! It can be really hard to engage in sexual activity with another person when we are uncomfortable with our body based on what society tells us is sexy. Again, this is not your fault and you are not alone. Everyone has thoughts like these internalized to a certain extent. But the good news is that you are sexy and your body is a good body! It can be hard to stop listening to the negative messaging, but the more comfortable you feel with yourself, the more comfortable you will feel with someone else, if you choose to go down that path.

A good step to becoming more comfortable with your body being seen and touched is to look at it and touch it for yourself! This doesn’t have to be sexual, but it can be if that is something you would like to work on. Perhaps you start by catching a glance at yourself in the mirror while you are talking about the things you love or when you are laughing to see how lovely you truly are. Perhaps you give yourself a big hug each day when you wake up or moisturize your body mindfully after a shower. Do whatever activities you like to do that make you feel great and connected with your body.

Maybe next you try self-touch either with your hands or a sex toy (again you do not have to do this, only if it feels right!) Perhaps you try doing something like that in the mirror and witnessing how wonderful your body is. Exploring your body and seeing what brings you pleasure is a great step. These exercises can bring up a lot of emotions and that is okay! Take whichever ones suit you and leave the rest. The goal is becoming more comfortable with yourself, on your own, so those feelings of comfort can transfer to other relationships in your life if you choose!

You don’t ever have to have sex if you do not want to. I hope that if you do want to, that you define what it looks like for yourself, and that the person or people you are engaging with are as in awe with your wonderful body as you deserve them to be.

This is a common concern although it really shouldn’t be! Sex toys and people are two different things and neither one can replace the other. You can start off by telling him that you want to experiment to have some fun, not because of anything he is doing “wrong”. Playing with sex toys with partners can be a really good way to try new things, experience different sensations, and to get out of our routines! A lot of sex toys can feel really good for people of all genders and it is highly likely that your partner would enjoy the sensation of a toy too.

When you are chatting with him, if you put the emphasis on the fun side and talk about how it can be something enjoyable to do together, that may help him feel like it is less about what he perceives he is not doing well. Perhaps you can ask him if there are any toys he would like to try and look into those first! Sometimes, when someone isn’t super comfortable with incorporating sex toys it can be helpful to first explore products like soft handcuffs, a feather tickler, a tingling gel, a blindfold, a massage candle, etc. because these aren’t so much about intercourse, but about trying new sensations leading up to it, together!

Although dildos should not be seen as competition, sometimes it may take a little while to work up to phallic-shaped toys when our partners are not comfortable because they literally look like direct competition (although I repeat, they are not.)

There are so many fun toys you can use together too! There are vibrators that attach to your underwear that he can remote control out in public, there are vibrating rings that he could wear that feel nice for him and may stimulate your clitoris during partnered sex, and there is likely a number of other toys that he would be interested in too. Some people may worry that the sensation of a vibrator may be better than what they can provide, but that shouldn’t be true! Again, partnered sex and toys are two different things and you cannot get addicted to your vibrator. He may need to hear affirmations like this to feel more comfortable.

If you both feel comfortable, you could either visit a sex toy store together, or browse the products online together - talking about which things you would be interested in and which ones aren’t in your comfort zone at the time.

Ultimately, your pleasure should be prioritized - even if it involves utilizing a toy from time to time, and I really hope your partner makes space for that and celebrates your pleasure. Toys can be really fun to play around with together. Starting gently and with an attitude of playfulness can be helpful for people who are a bit hesitant. It may also be helpful to have a conversation about what his worries are - is he nervous that you will not be satisfied with him again after using a toy? If you are able to chat more deeply about this, you may find an opportunity to connect over your fears/desires about using sex toys and explore from there. Even if after chatting and browsing, your partner never feels comfortable utilizing a toy, you need to respect those boundaries, but I hope that an open and gentle conversation can start you both on a comfortable journey to incorporating sex toys!

What you are doing is great! So because there is the electrical component in the vibrator, don’t boil it fully submerged for minutes, BUT if your product claims it is waterproof it should be safe to wash the whole product under running water with mild soap. There are also spray toy cleaners (or you can alternatively mix dish soap and water in a spray bottle) which may help reach tricky spots if your toy is not safe to run under water for any period of time. After this cleaning, leave your product to air dry with the suction area facing down so any remaining water can drip down. If you are unsure if your product is waterproof vs. water-resistant vs. not compatible with water at all, the specific manufacturer should have this information on the website or product packaging - ideally with cleaning advice as well!

Yes, this is a thoughtful question - disclosing can be a hard conversation, but I believe it should be a skill that everyone learns to help us be more open about sexuality and work towards destigmatizing STIs.

I will provide some suggestions that I believe to be effective/helpful, but please know that the most effective disclosure is one that is done in a way that is most comfortable for you.

This may not always be the case, because there are a lot of social factors that prevent people from disclosing immediately BUT ideally it is best to disclose before any sexual contact has been made (you can decide your level of comfort on making out prior to having this conversation). A good way to ease into disclosing is to initiate by asking your partner(s) if they have been tested lately because this should always be a two-way conversation. Again, you can decide your comfort level, but you do not have to engage in sexual activity if they have not been tested lately, or are not open to engaging in this conversation with you, or if you are uncomfortable with the situation in any sense.

When it is your turn to share your status, confidence is key - there is absolutely nothing shameful about having an STI! And typically, if you approach the topic casually and confidently, people will pick up on this and treat it the same way! I find it is beneficial to disclose, share information about your situation (ie. any medications you are taking, the last time you were tested, safe(r) ways to engage in sexual activity, if you are having an outbreak etc.), and mention that it isn’t a big deal. After disclosing and sharing this, checking in with your partner(s) is good to ensure they understand the risks and to allow them the space to ask any questions.

And like all sexual scenarios, make sure everyone involved is fully able to give informed consent after having this conversation (ie. if someone or all people involved are under the influence and can’t fully grasp the info provided in your conversation, it is best to wait until another time).

Typically, people are (or should be) at least open to exploring this further with you by asking questions about what your status means and what the best way to engage in safe(r) sex is, and if they’re not, then it is up to your if you want to pursue sexual activity with them further.

I am really sorry that you and your partner are both having a hard time right now, gender dysphoria, trauma, unmet/unmatched sexual needs, & fluctuations in sexual desire can be very difficult. It is a strong and compassionate step to reach out and make the effort to ensure both your needs and your partner’s are met.

Difficult as your situation may be, it is also completely normal in the sense that fluctuations in sexual desire, sexual activity, and healing from traumatic past experiences are to be expected, for everyone! I hope that the notion that you are not alone in this offers some comfort. You may have heard the saying or have seen a graphic demonstrating that healing is not linear. That is incredibly true and also applies to most other processes in life. Your partner, as hard as it may be for both of you, will experience many good periods and bad periods in their healing process, and all of us throughout our life will experience ups and downs in our sexual activity levels, especially as stress levels change (hello pandemic) and our life circumstances evolve.

My suggestion is to make this an ongoing conversation that doesn’t only occur when there is an absence or change in sexual activity. It can feel weird to thoroughly talk about or plan out our sex lives, especially if when we first got together with our partners the novelty and excitement was more than enough, but planning sex in detail does not take away from enjoyment! In fact, predictability can really help when someone in the partnership is experiencing any negative emotions, especially if someone has a past traumatic experiences, feeling in control through planned out sex can be empowering.

Planning in this case may start out not centred around sex, especially if this has been tricky or emotional in the past, but could begin with talking more about how you are both feeling and what your current needs are. Starting with something like, “You are going through a lot right now and will be here for you while you are working through everything. I want to help make sure your needs for safety and self-expression are met. What can I do to help with that? What activities throughout the day help to affirm your gender identity? What coping strategies typically help when your past trauma is triggered? What are some of the signs I should learn to recognize when you are feeling overwhelmed?” can help your partner feel as though they are supported and able to more comfortably ease into a conversation about sexuality.

From there, the conversation could move to your needs - expressing something like what you mentioned in your question about how you want sex to be enjoyable for them, free from pressure, but that sex is something that is important to you. Using “I feel” language can help emphasize your emotions without placing any blame on your partner. Your desire to have enjoyable, respectful sex with your significant other is valid and important. Ask them about what sexual activities typically make them feel safe, what forms of sex help to affirm their gender identity, what types of activities they want to avoid entirely, if they would prefer to initiate sex or not, and what you can do to help foster a comfortable sexual environment for both of you if they are willing to share all of this! Provide your responses to these topics too - shared vulnerabilities in a supportive environment can lead to deeper intimacy and connection. Healing and navigating sexuality after trauma can be difficult, but many people find effective ways to take care of themselves when painful memories show up and succeed in reclaiming ownership of the bodies, especially with partner collaboration about safety, establishing clear boundaries, and creating a safe space together.

I think the big thing here is to not expect things to return back to “normal” quickly. This conversation should be ongoing as your feelings and your partner’s needs may change overtime. And the really cool thing about sex is that it is dynamic and can take on endless expressions, so these conversations may lead to redefining what you consider to be “sex” within this relationship. In the meantime while you are navigating through this, how are your sexual needs being met? Are you comfortable filling some of your needs with self-pleasure? Are you and your partner open to discussing ethical/consensual non monogamy? Would that cause further difficult emotions? If these questions are not for you that is okay, but they are options that could be discussed further along. Both your sexual desires and your partner’s healing process are important and should be made space for. Does your partner have further support systems in place outside of your relationship to help navigate their healing process? COVID and lockdown and all the things that have come along with it have the potential to bring negative feelings to light and professional support can help carry some of those difficult experiences.

Changes in partnered sex frequency/style/duration can be really difficult, it can feel hurtful or as if you have done something wrong or aren’t desirable, but that isn’t true. You haven’t done anything wrong and although uncomfortable, changes in our sex lives are completely normal. There is no shame in a change in sexual activity, and both your needs are valid! Get to know what works and doesn’t work for each other and do your best to make space for that.

Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you would like me to provide you or your partner with contacts for professional support. The SEXPLETIVE Resource page has information for Edmonton-area supports around sexual health concerns.

It is totally understandable and normal to be scared of contracting Sexually Transmitted and Blood Borne Infections (STBBIs) of any kind and to feel confused about how common they are, how they are transmitted etc., because we typically aren’t provided with the most comprehensive information about STBBIs in school and the media projects damaging (mainly false) narratives about them!

You mentioned both HPV and Herpes (HSV) in your message - I will provide a bit of information on both, but will mainly focus on herpes, as it is an STI that is typically shrouded with the most stigma and confusion.

So, HPV or Human Papilloma Virus, is thought to be the most common STI in Canada and there are over 100 known strains of the virus. This sounds daunting, however, most people who contract HPV do not show any symptoms and pass the virus in about 1-2 years. It is spread through skin-skin contact, even if there are no visible symptoms. Some strains of HPV cause genital warts, like you mention in your question, and some strains lead to abnormal cell growth which can cause cervical or anal cancer.

Condoms help reduce the transmission of HPV, although they are not perfectly effective because there is still a chance that an infected area of skin could be exposed. Regular cervical or anal pap tests are great for determining if there are any precancerous cells caused by HPV. Diagnosis is done via a physician visual inspection, pap test, and/or blood test. Treatment options can include topical creams, surgical removal of warts, or cryotherapy on parts of the cervix/anus with abnormal cells. The Gardasil vaccine also protects against many strains of HPV.

Now, Herpes (HSV) is a viral chronic infection, meaning that it remains in your body for life. This sounds scary, but most people who contract gential herpes are asymptomatic (meaning there are no observable signs), and many people who experience symptoms only do so once. There are people who experience recurrent symptoms (outbreaks) that unfortunately tend to come during times of stress, fatigue, with sun exposure, or hormonal changes that can occur during menstruation and pregnancy. However, most of the time, symptoms lie dormant and HSV is the least contagious during this stage.

There are 2 strains of herpes: HSV-1 is the strain that usually causes cold sores on the mouth, but can sometimes be passed orally to the genitals. HSV-2 is more commonly found on the genitals but in rare cases can be spread to the mouth through oral sex. Not everyone with genital herpes has noticeable sores or lesions. For those who do, the first outbreak is usually the most severe and symptoms can include blisters, itchiness, tingling, and fatigue. HSV is transmitted from skin-skin contact and symptoms do not have to be present for transmission to occur, although it is less likely to be transmitted when there are no symptoms. Like with HPV, condoms and dental dams can be helpful in reducing transmission, but are not perfect because it is likely that some infected areas of the skin will still be exposed. Diagnosis is done with a blood test or swabbing an active lesion.

There is a lot of fear surrounding herpes because there is no cure and it doesn’t resolve itself, however it is very manageable and treatable! Antiviral medications are effective in decreasing the duration and severity of herpes breakouts when they happen and some people also decide to take antiviral medication daily to prevent outbreaks and lower chances of transmission. It is also good practice to get to know what triggers your outbreaks, how to manage them, and how to communicate with your partner(s).

It is very fair to not desire to get an STBBI of any kind - the symptoms can be painful and stressful, but they are not unmanageable or untreatable! I would argue that the stigma surrounding STIs is the most damaging part. You can absolutely still have a safe and fulfilling sex life if you receive an STBBI diagnosis - bacterial infections can be treated with antibiotics, and viral infections like HPV and HSV can be managed with a variety of treatment options.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you if you contract an STI, unfortunately they are pretty common, but fortunately they are even more treatable and manageable - the school system and media tend to neglect to share that last part with us!

I hope that cleared things up, please don’t hesitate to reach out if you would like further resources.

When exploring with toys for anal play, always make sure you have lube on hand. I typically recommend silicone-based lubricant for anal because it is longer-lasting BUT it is not compatible with silicone toys so keep that in mind! You can use a hybrid lubricant that is water-based but has a bit of silicone mixed in - this mixture makes it safer to use with silicone toys and you will get the added benefits of the extra silky silicone. Water-based lubricant paired with silicone toys is also a solid choice. Another important consideration for toys for anal use is that they must always always always have a flared base - meaning that the end of the toy needs to be wider than the part you are inserting. Unlike the vagina which has a natural end point (the cervix), the anus is connected to the rectum which continues on to your digestive organs - there really isn’t an end point and toys can get stuck, requiring medical attention. Another consideration (before diving into plugs vs. beads) is to try incrementally exploring with fingers, mouths, and lots of checking in and consent before moving on to toys or penetration with a penis/strap-on/dildo/beads/plugs.As for plugs vs. beads, it is completely up to you!! Something I would recommend when beginning to explore with these products is to pick up one that has “tiers” or different “levels” so you have a choice of how far you’d like to insert it and can start with just the first section of the toy and explore further from there. Beads tend to be longer and thinner than plugs, and plugs tend to be shorter and wider than beads, so consider the sensation you are looking for! Typically, butt plugs remain in one spot and apply a more consistent pressure once they are inserted, and that is a selling point for many users whereas anal beads are somewhat designed to be moved around by putting them in and pulling them out which many people also enjoy the sensation of. Both options are great and you can choose what sounds most appealing to you. When starting out I recommend a smaller, simple, silicone product which will likely be most affordable before diving into more complex and expensive vibrating or inflatable products. Borosilicate glass, medical-grade stainless steel, and ceramic are also safe material choices, but silicone tends to be more approachable when beginning to explore anal play because it is softer! Start small/slow and tailored to your comfort level - there is lots of room for progression and exploration from there. 

Like with all sex toys, make sure you are cleaning your anal beads or plug before and after use with warm water and mild soap. If you are buying a toy that is pure silicone with no electronic components it can also be submerged in boiling water for a couple minutes to be sanitized. If you are sharing a toy with partners or alternating between anal and vaginal/oral use - use a condom or clean it between. Some people feel more comfortable exploring anal play after a shower and some cleaning in the area - this is a good idea as it can make for a more hygienic experience.

Yes, this could be incredibly painful for someone with a narrow vaginal canal. Inserting anything could be painful in this case. However, this pain isn’t necessarily associated with the vaginal canal size, but more with a spasm of the pelvic floor muscles. Typically, large amounts of pain associated with penetration of a toy, finger, or penis is called vaginismus which is an involuntary contraction of the pelvic floor muscles, making inserting anything quite uncomfortable. This may not be a “diagnosis” that everyone relates to or is validating for everyone and that’s okay too. But if this sounds familiar, it could be a good idea to skip the kegel balls (those muscles don’t need any further strengthening and those products can be quite large!) and consider some vaginal dilators if you are wanting to experiment with a product.

Vaginal dilators are thin, tube-shaped devices that you insert into the vaginal canal with the intent of very gently stretching it and relaxing the pelvic floor muscles. They usually come in packs with multiple sizes so you can gradually build up. If this is resonating with you, it could be a good idea to talk to your healthcare provider about how to navigate this, but dilators are great for helping with vaginismus! There are also some really thin, small vibrators that you could purchase that could help with the gentle stretching/relaxing and additionally have the potential to bring some pleasure as well. Going forward you could absolutely experiment with kegel balls and other sex toys, but please do not do anything if it causes unintentional pain!

Regardless of your relationship status, the length of time you have been with your significant other, or the specific sexual activity you’re wanting to explore, it can be difficult to bring up sexual exploration with your partner! It is totally normal to feel uncertain about conversations like this for a variety of reasons.

The main thing to remember is that whatever you are interested in sexually is totally cool and valid (as long as it is consensual) and that voicing your desires is good! Although it may seem uncomfortable, it is important to be honest with your significant other about what you are wanting to explore. If you are not sharing those desires, you may be shutting off parts of yourself and closing doors to what could be really mutually pleasurable sexual experiences.

Of course, it is important that you feel safe with this person and that there is a sense of trust as a foundation - whatever all of that looks like for you! If those relationship building blocks are there it makes for a great starting point for harder conversations. When you bring up things you want to try, it is not a reflection on things your partner is lacking, it is merely about you wanting to add more good stuff to your relationship experience, and it could be helpful to communicate that to them. Using a lot of “I feel” language in conversations like this is helpful.

Pick a time and a space where you feel comfortable and safe bringing this up! Like with any important conversations, it’s a good idea to check-in before diving in. Does your partner have other things on their mind at the moment? Was today a hard day? Can you both give equal energy to the discussion?

Here’s my rough copy go-to template for starting harder conversations: “I’ve been really enjoying where our sexual relationship is at so far, and I feel happy/safe/comfortable with you, and I am ready (and excited) to introduce some new things. I am thinking something like this______, I think I would enjoy doing this______ with you,” etc.! And then checking in with your significant other, asking them if what you expressed is something they would be comfortable with and excited about as well.

It is really important that our desires are vocalized and that we continue to have open, supportive, collaborative discussions with the people we are sexually exploring with! Whether this is about a first time sexual experience with a significant other, about trying out new kinks, or adding new people into the mix, your sexual desires are valid! And it is good to voice them although it can be hard sometimes, especially because sex isn’t always openly discussed in society and we aren’t always given space to share about our desires. In these conversations it is necessary to check-in with our partner(s) and respect their desires and boundaries too.

Oftentimes these difficult-to-start discussions lead to something deeper where you get to know your partner better and you feel good having expressed yourself!

I hope that you are with a person that gives you space to express your sexual desires and wants to accommodate them, all while respecting each others’ boundaries.

Best wishes!!

- Erica xxx

Hello! This is absolutely not necessary and not totally true. It is a very valid question and concern about how to prevent a mess when experimenting with anal play, but the good news is that a mess shouldn’t really be common! Feces typically sit higher up in our bowels than a toy or penis or finger could ever really reach. The only time it travels lower is when you need to use the washroom, and in that case you would know and feel because your anal sphincter would be stimulated (the sensation that lets you know you need to go to the washroom). Diet is absolutely a valid concern before engaging in anal sex, and rather than recommend a specific diet, I more so recommend eating foods you know agree with your stomach the day before/the day of and avoiding foods that make your stomach upset or make you feel like you have to go to the bathroom. This can be very individualized, but overall it is recommended to focus on eating soluble fibres, such as nuts, oats, fruits, veggies etc., and to avoid red meat, dairy, and junk food. If diet is important for you to feel comfortable prior to having anal sex, then please experiment with foods that make you feel comfortable! But the good news is, you can still play around with anal either way.Anal sex will feel most comfortable if you are confident you do not have to use the washroom beforehand. So if it is possible to schedule around this please do :) After you have a bowel movement, you could shower or just thoroughly wash up that area afterwards and be good to go from there. You do not need to use an enema at all, but if it is something that would make you feel most comfortable then just make sure not to use it too frequently or to spray water too far up your bowels. It is not incredibly dangerous, but like the vagina, there is healthy bacteria living in your bowels serving their purpose, and we don’t want to completely flush those away!It can happen that even with taking all the precautions that you will still notice a tiny tiny bit of fecal matter on a toy, finger, or penis and that is NORMAL, your body is just being a body! This is why it isn’t encouraged to switch between anal/vaginal/oral sex without washing between. But, it can be a good idea to keep some wipes next to you in case this is something that would take you and/or your partner out of the experience.

This is a great question and a very valid concern - this situation can feel really daunting! I would recommend either taking out some cash or saving some cash and visiting a sex shop in person and then paying with that physical money. This would prevent your purchase from showing up on any credit card statements or on the family amazon order history. There are a lot of really cool discreet product options, especially for someone interested in trying out sex toys for the first time! There are a lot of tiny vibrators, some that look like lipsticks, penguins, and some that don’t even really look like vibrators! Again, if you visit a store in person you could pick out something that you think would fit in most in your home environment if by the off chance it were ever left out or discovered. Vibrators really shouldn’t be that loud, but if that is a concern, dildos can be a great option because they don’t make any noise! Something that is really cool about sex toys these days is that they are often made to look like something obscure, not like human body parts at all! Some come in cool carrier cases that almost look like makeup bags and some are so small they could easily be tucked away. Dedicate some time to creating a secret spot for your toy so you feel comfortable having it in your home. If you ever feel comfortable to have an open discussion with your parents, please feel free to reach out for some tools. It is completely understandable if you never feel comfortable talking openly about that, that’s okay - these are products for your own personal use and they don’t have to know anyways!

Hey, thanks for reaching out. Your situation sounds frustrating and I hope my answer can help!

First, let’s talk about anatomy. Every single person’s anatomy is different! There is so much variation that often isn’t covered in books especially when they are more medically focused, and most diagrams are based on similar looking genitalia, so please do not stress if yours looks a bit different. Some people have all those parts in those diagrams and more, some people don’t have all the parts, and absolutely everyone’s parts look different.

Have you tried looking at your vulva in a mirror while also looking at a diagram? I’m wondering if perhaps the external part of your clitoris is on the small side or maybe your clitoral hood is larger and hiding it. Have you looked at your vulva when you have been in an aroused state vs. a relaxed state? It will look different and you may notice different things (the clitoris should swell and be more visible!)

The entire clitoral structure is much much much larger than what you can typically see externally! It lies just below the surface and has legs and wings and many nerve-endings.

It is unlikely, but if you do not have a clitoris (or just the external part) that is okay. It may be confusing/frustrating/scary/fill in the blank with your emotion, but you can experience pleasure without a clitoris!

I know it may be uncomfortable, but do you have access to a pelvic exam by a doctor? They would be able to tell you if you are indeed missing your clitoris. If that truly is the case, please feel free to message me again and we can talk more about that.

Second, let’s talk about masturbation. You’re doing all the right things - it is good to research and try toys but this is another instance where I would say “everyone’s body is different”. My biggest suggestion would be to almost forget what you’ve been researching if it says something like, “touch yourself here and it will feel good” because… that may not be true for you. My second biggest suggestion would be to try to make the goal of masturbation exploration, not orgasm. Explore your whole body, try different sensations and pressures. Try hands, try toys, try rubbing up against something, there is no right or wrong way to do it! Maybe some of the research you are doing is focused on pleasuring the clitoris, when maybe you would prefer nipple stimulation or a light touch on the neck. It can be hard to take the goal and expectations out of it, but please do your best to try to take the pressure off yourself and just relax and explore.

It can be really hard because there are so many messages about what sex, pleasure, and sexual expression SHOULD look like, but it is so expansive and different for everyone! You are normal, your sexual desire is normal, and you will figure out what works for you and it does not have to look like what it looks like for other people.

Thanks for your interest in SEXPLETIVE ceramic toys! Your concern is valid because everyone has different preferences when it comes to sex toys - their shape, their size, their texture, their softness or firmess, etc. - there is a lot to choose from and what works for someone else may not work for you.

Ceramic sex toys are firm (think glass or steel sex toys) and have a bit of weight to them - those are the biggest differences between them and toys made out of more flexible materials. Toys that are soft and toys that are firm can serve different purposes and can be used in different ways. For many people (not everyone), areas on the body such as the g-spot and p-spot respond best to a firm pressure, and it can be good to explore these areas more gently & with a sense of curiosity at the beginning. Ceramic, glass, and metal toys can encourage a sense of mindfulness and encourage you to explore your body in new ways.

My main tips would be to:

1. Try a smaller ceramic toy. Since each piece I make is slightly unique, some are smaller than others and can be good to start with! Just send me a message or add in your checkout form that you would prefer a smaller one of the batch.

2. Try out your ceramic toy in different ways than you may use a softer silicone toy. Where you may be able to use a flexible toy more quickly or harder, go slower with a ceramic toy. If you like exploring deeper sensations with softer toys, maybe try your ceramic toy a bit more shallow so you aren’t poking your cervix or whatever body part.

3. Since ceramic holds temperature very well, try heating up your toy by running it under warm water. The heat can help your muscles relax. Alternatively, you can cool it down to experiment with different sensations. You could also help your body relax and get yourself in the mood by using your ceramic toy as an external massager before inserting it.

4. The non-porous glaze on all SEXPLETIVE ceramic toys makes for a very smooth surface which can help with insertion. I always recommend lube for anyone of any age who is partaking in any sexual activity, but you almost don’t ~need~ it with fully glazed ceramic toys they are so smooth. Lube will make them even more so.

5. If this type of product doesn’t work for you that’s okay! Everyone has different preferences and things that work best for their body, don’t force it if it is not right. SEXPLETIVE ceramic toys are additionally designed to be decorative, so if worse comes to worse you can use them that way!

you may find that you love ceramic even more than any other material you’ve tried, I’m biased, but I think it is amazing!

Feel free to send me a message again if you have any more questions.

Hey, thanks for your question! Although this really shouldn’t be a thing, a lot of people hold judgement about using sex toys while in a relationship. It’s really cool that you wanted a sex toy and that your boyfriend was open to it. Sex toys do not replace sexual partners and they do not mean your partner is not good at pleasing you - they are there to enhance your sexual pleasure, to take it to the next level, or to help you try new things!

Please don’t let judgemental thoughts change how you feel about your gift if you are happy with it. Sex toys are fun whether you are single or in a relationship. Everyone deserves the most pleasure possible. Sex toys can help you and your boyfriend explore new things either together or apart because even when people are in relationships, they should be able to enjoy self-pleasure as well. I think you and your boyfriend exchanged an awesome Christmas gift this year.

If you are comfortable, you can tell your friends all those benefits that sex toys may have, and share that you have a lot of fun trying new things with your boyfriend. It is too bad that your friends have placed judgement on you, maybe they are uncomfortable with the idea of sex toys or haven’t had experience with one, but perhaps you can be the friend to help them become more comfortable by leading by example. Also, what you do sexually with your partner does not have to be any of your friends’ business, unless you want to share with them. Enjoying a sex toy is normal and it sounds like you and your boyfriend have good communication skills about what you want and enjoy sexually, and that is awesome!

I have experienced my fair share of judgement too, both at the sex toy store I work at and in my career of making sex toys. Just know that it is a reflection of society’s sex-negative perception of pleasure and pleasure products, and not a reflection on you! We don’t make enough space to talk about sex toys openly, and I am right there with you on the journey to enjoy them and normalize them.Item description

Overall, it sounds like you should be okay. STIs can hang around on sex toys, especially if the toy came in contact with bodily fluid, but bacteria can typically be washed off a non-porous material (like silicone) with just soap and water.

Condoms are a good idea if you are sharing a toy and haven’t had a conversation with your partner about STI status, or if you know you won’t be able to clean it between them using it and you using it, or if you are using a porous toy (which is never really recommended). Condoms can provide good peace of mind when sharing toys, but aren’t always completely necessary.

It sounds like you used a non-porous sex toy and that you washed it properly - that’s great and is typically enough! If you are concerned though, I would recommend getting tested to put your mind at ease.

For extra peace of mind, I sometimes recommend cleaning a toy that was used by someone else with hydrogen peroxide first, and then dish soap and warm water before using it yourself. Always washing before and after each use adds a layer of cleanliness and confidence too.

I hope that helps! You should be alright, but get tested if this is weighing heavily on your mind.

Everyone’s body is different and everyone’s preferences are different, but I typically recommend for someone’s first sex toy a vibrator that can either be used internally (for penetration/to stimulate the g-spot) or externally (to stimulate the clitoris). This often looks like a toy that has a bit of length to it so you can play around with what spots you like to stimulate. Maybe you will want a toy that is textured, curved, smooth, or straight. Generally, I just recommend something that is multi-purpose so you can play around with what you like!

I also often recommend a less expensive toy, perhaps something around $50 because then you can gauge what you like/don’t like without spending a lot of money.

Lube is great with sex toys - it reduces friction and helps make the entire experience more comfortable whether you are using a toy internally or externally. If you are getting a silicone sex toy, I would recommend a water-based lube!

The Traveling Tickle Trunk is a great place to go shop - I would say that even if I didn’t work there! It is Edmonton’s sex -positive adult toy store and all the employees are thoroughly educated about sex toys and do their best to create an inclusive, welcoming atmosphere. They hear all sorts of questions and never place judgment so you can be free to ask them any questions you may have!

The Tickle Trunk also only sells toys that they know to be body-safe and can help direct you to products that have the materials you are looking for. Other shops may sell items that are porous and are not great for your body. If you’re shopping there and the features of toys that I suggested ^ sound like a good fit for you, check out the Posh Teaser, the Rianne Mini G, or the Cannoli for first time toys. There are also so many more if those do not fit what you had in mind.

Getting comfortable with your own sexuality is a lifelong journey that unfortunately is not made easy by the society we live in. We are constantly told to repress our sexuality, or not to talk about sex, etc. The best thing you can do is to explore what you like. What makes you feel sexy? What turns you on? In what sexual situations are you the most comfortable? Where do you like to be touched? Figuring out these things for yourself, on your own timeline, while doing your best to ignore the myriad of external messages we receive is a really good start.

It can also be helpful to remember that we are all sexual beings and that our sexuality is so different and unique. No one’s sexuality is any “better” because it looks one certain way. Your sexuality is valid and special.

It really shouldn’t! Like anything that we get into the habit of doing, we may be more accustomed to enjoying those sensations, but it won’t lower your ability to experience pleasure without them. If you enjoy using sex toys and find they bring you to orgasm more frequently than partnered sex or sex without toys, that is okay too! Sex toys are tools that can be really helpful in allowing us to experience new and different sensations and it is okay if you want to incorporate them more often than not. They will not reduce your enjoyment of other sexual acts.

Soap and water are great! A mild dish soap that isn’t heavily scented should do the trick and is often recommended because it doesn’t leave any residue.

You can also buy a toy cleaner. Some cleaners spray on which is convenient and can be more discreet if you share sink space with other people.

If you have a toy that is 100% silicone with no electrical components you can boil it to completely sanitize it.

Soap and water are typically all you need. In an earlier answer to a previous question, I also said that if STI transmission through sex toy usage is a concern, that you can clean your toy with hydrogen peroxide first, and then dish soap and water to fully get rid of any bacteria.